Right-Wing Talk Hosts: Prepare The Padded Cells

    The "conservative", Bush-worshipping, fanatical fear-and-hate mongering, flag-waving, felony-committing, serial-lying, bestselling-book authoring, bile-spewing radio and TV talk-show hosts have gone completely insane, and aren’t helping Bush at all anymore.  Now we lefties all know they’re crazy, but they have tens of millions of rabid listeners and viewers, so attention must be paid.  What are these poor Americans hearing from these off-the-chain Pod People?  Let’s review.

Rush Limbaugh

    Captain Oxycontin recently claimed that "The Democrats are the enemy.  They have aligned themselves with the enemy.  Their spokesmen here are the Democratic Party".  Then why do Ann Coulter and Bill O’Reilly keep giving Al Qaeda orders?
   
    He once defamed Cindy Sheehan, and then said about her dead son hero from Iraq, you know, that war he supports, "I’m weary of even having to express sympathy.  We all lose things."  Yeah, like your car keys, dicknose.  How many medals did you get in Vietnam?  He probably got out on a Section 8.

    Lameboygh claimed the FBI couldn’t stop 9/11 by looking at Moussaui’s computer because, they didn’t have warrantless wiretapping yet.  Lie! They did have it.  The FBI just didn’t look at it. (See:  Every 9/11 Conspiracy Theory.)

    The "Rush"-Man famously said, "If people are violating the law by doing drugs, they should be convicted and sent up."  Then he got busted for buying 6,000 Oxycontin and fought like Hell to keep from even going to court.  He’s against illegal immigration, but he had no problem having his (illegal?) immigrant maid score his drugs for him, after getting illegal prescriptions and taking up to 45 pills a day.  They didn’t help, apparently. Maybe he should be taking something for Restless Mouth Syndrome...
   
    Rush is anti-Earth.  He’s been ridiculing global warming for 20 years, and called pro-ecology demonstrators "long-haired maggot-infested FM-type environmentalist wackos."  Let’s review...So AM is patriotic, and FM is the enemy?  And who still rants about people with long hair?  That went out in 1965.  He’s stealing material from 42 years ago.  In comedy, he’d be thrown out of the business for being a hack.  And "maggot-infested"?  Are you sure that wasn’t just one of your hallucinations, Drug Boy?

    Rush "wrote" in "his" "book", "Even though quite a few scientists are backtracking on global warming, Al Gore and a few hard-line doomsayers are sticking to their thermostats." Now Al Gore has an Oscar and is nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.  What do you have, Rush, besides a bad impression of Michael J. Fox’s Parkinson’s Disease?
   
    He went on about how there’s nothing wrong with the environment, and I quote, "There are more acres of forest in America in 1994 then when Columbus discovered it." That’s the great thing about right wing talk radio whackjobs—they get all their facts from a fax that comes out of their ass.  He’s wrong.  He said "Styrofoam is biodegradable and paper isn’t."  Wow.  Of course, he went on the air and corrected all those errors in a long episode of his show.  Just kidding.

    He said about endangered species, "If the (spotted) owl can’t adapt to the superiority of humans, screw it."  That’s beautiful.  If he’s an example of the superiority of humans, I’m going with the owls.
   
Ann Coulter
   
    Where do we even start with this "woman" who maybe used to be a man?  Not that there’s anything wrong with that, unless you're an intolerant gay-bashing hate-mongering pro-Republican agenda pro-Bush hypocrite from Hell.  She called John Edwards a "faggot".  Yes, that hurts gays, not Edwards.  But I believe only gays have the right to call each other that word, just as only African-Americans have the right to clal each other the "n-word" (Michael Richards, anyone?) And who even says "faggot" anymore?  I haven’t heard that since third grade, and that’s when there were still air raid drills and we got under our desks.  That was just before she made fun of his dead son and Elizabeth Edward’s terminal cancer.  Ha, ha, ha, oh you’re so funny, Ann, that’s why all the TV shows keep having you on all the time. Every time any show books her, they are endorsing that language, and her.  Shame on you, "Today Show", "Hardball", and anyone else who would give her one second of airtime.

    Of course, she took that back, and said instead of saying John Edwards is a "faggot" anymore, she’s just going to say "he should be assassinated by terrorists."  One, that’s a felony, but these people do that all the time (see below) and nothing happens.  Two, that’s telling the terrorists what to do, which is "aiding and abetting the enemy", according to them.  But these people do that all the time (see Bill O’Reilly next diary.)

    Ann said she wished the planes on 9/11 had gone into the New York Times building.  Aiding and abetting again.  And if she thinks the "New York Times" is liberal, she’s obviously never read it.  By the way, what’s Judith Miller doing now?  Getting the ship departures wrong at the Biscayne Times-Picayune?      
   
    Coulter proclaimed that "Democrats want to see our soldiers shot."  That’s why we made your party send them to Iraq.  Bush does blame the Democrats now for the war.  I guess we’re all really good hypnotists, except you can’t hypnotize a Pod Person, because they all think with the big giant head in the spaceship.  

    (I keep throwing in Pod Person all the time because I want everyone to use it instead of "drinking the Kool-Aid".  That’s not the right metaphor—everyone who drank the Kool-Aid, died.  The Pod People (from "Invasion Of the Body Snatachers", of course) all act alike and talk alike and use the same talking points and say the same things at the same time when they’re all on TV on a particular day and are run by an alien intelligence.  Who? Cheney? You make the call.  It’s just a better term.  Spread it around.)
   
Melanie Morgan

    Morgan, who’s actually on the air in San Francisco for some reason, said that George Soros "helped the Nazis".  Yeah, he was fighting the Allies alongside DailyKos. He’d have to be 90 years old if he did.

 Have you ever gotten a good look at Melanie Morgan, like on "Hardball"?  She is one scary bitch!  She’s been Botoxed out of all resemblance to a human!  You can think of her if you want your sex to last longer.  She’s the new baseball scores.

To Be Concluded Tomorrow...
By Doug Ferrari, Comedian
dougferrari.com