White House In Crisis: Part One Of Three

By Doug Ferrari, Comedian

    The title was borrowed from Keith Olbermann on "Countdown", who said that if he had to use that logo for Monica Lewinsky, it certainly should now.  It is obvious that the Bush presidency is over, but you can choose what the actual last nail in the coffin was: when twelve Republicans went into the Oval Office and told Bush he lacked all credibility and they wouldn’t accept reports on Iraq from him anymore, or when the new "Cheney" book came out and proved what we’ve all known for six years, that Bush is not the real President—take your pick.  But it’s obvious the wheels have come off the bus they’re throwing everybody under...

    (For more, please see the ongoing "Bush Scandals" series, "Gonzalesgate, "Iraqapalooza", and the upcoming "Iraqapalooza: The Fifty-Year War".)

    The mainstream media reports daily that Bush’ poll numbers are "down to 28%, the lowest of any President since Nixon after Watergate".  But that just makes some of us wonder: who the hell is that 28% who still believe him?  Are they just country-fan Nascar-fan Confederate flag-on-the-gunrack people who don’t read newspapers and only watch Fox News?  Or are the polls wrong and he’s even lower?  Only five percent believe him on Iraq, the lowest poll number ever recorded. But 28% are still brainwashed, or captive to "President worship"?  People keep saying Bush is like Nixon during Watergate.  Are they kidding?  He’s even worse than Nixon.  Nixon picked Gerald Ford, who couldn’t hurt anything unless he fell on it.  Bush picked Dick Cheney .

    We all know Bush was never elected to anything in his life, but the media parrot the Pod People and constantly say, every day, that he "won" in 2004 (he didn’t) because of "moral values issues".  What they didn’t tell us was that all the polls showed that Americans defined "moral values issues" in terms of 42% Iraq, and nine percent gay marriage.  How did he win on that?
   
    Bush has made it impossible for a Republican to become President.  Now I like him.  The Republicans have to have their convention in Minneapolis near the collapsed bridge and they all have to pass Larry Craig’s bathroom.  I can’t make that better!  

    And what did Bush do immediately after the bridge collapsed.  He cut taxes again.  But it’s okay, it’s going to trickle down.  Hedge fund owners will be fixing our bridges any time now.  He’s let our infrastructure go to hell.  Washington, D.C. has water pipes that are 160 years old.  There is sewage in their drinking water.  And you thought it was the Kool-Aid.

    Which brings us to Katrina, the first great crisis of Bush’s presidency—that the American people ever noticed.  Only one-third of the recovery money for New Orleans has been spent.  Only 20% of the levees are up to par.  And there’s a "Recovery Czar"!  I haven’t heard from him, have you?  He must be in the secret bunker next to Cheney’s with the "War Czar" and the "Drug Czar".

     Poor Republican candidates.  Six percent of serving Republicans were convicted of crimes or indicted in August alone.  25% of Americans say they wouldn't vote for a Mormon.  I've seen 43%.  33% wouldn't vote for Guiliani because he's on his third marriage (and was sleeping with his third wife while still with his second, and she found out he left her by hearing him give a public press conference, but who's counting?)  42% wouldn't endorse a 72-year old—McCain.  He  seemed to fall asleep during Bush's State Of The Union Address, but who blame him for that?

    The right-wing fundamentalist evangelical jihadi Jesus Freaks call the Republican candidates "two pagans and a Mormon".  Nothing (false?) Christians hate more than other Christians with different names.  It's just like our American version of Sunni vs. Shia.  And yet all the Republicans in the debates are prattling on about how they were made in God's image -- well, maybe not them personally, but...um, somebody.  According to them, God is an old fat pasty-faced white man.  I think that's offensive to Her.

    And they think their savior is Fred Thompson.  Well, he’s a perfect Republican candidate – he’s been a lobbyist for five years.  He can buy himself off.

    One of the first things Bush did that sealed his fate was trying to take Medicare and medicine from old people.  When they turned against him, it was all downhill from there. The Medicare "Reform" Bill was written by Big Pharma, all 1,000 indecipherable pages of it, and it was voted on before anyone could read it, at three o’clock in the morning.   They said it would cost $350 billion, but it cost $500 billion and will cost $1.2 trillion, the same as the war in Iraq.  Big Pharma bought it for only $10 million in bribes – rather, donations.  Boy, Republicans can be bought so cheap!!!  The bribes they take are so small it’s a wonder the Democrats don’t just bribe them to do the right thing in the first place...

    The truth behind the Medicare bill is that the government would have to have one trillion dollars invested to pay for it.  Amount they have invested?  Zero dollars.  Big Pharma has become under Bush the second largest business in America (number one, of course, is defense).  Big Pharma knows how to spend its money, too—that’s how they bought this Administration lock, stock, and barrel.  They spend $4 billion a year on advertising, and $22 million a year trying to cure diseases. Maybe that’s why their drug ads tell you all about how many diseases their pills actually give you. The TV commercial for Celebrex, which is just for arthritis, says that one of the side effects is "death".  Is death a "side effect"?  I think that’s the whole effect right there.  Maybe you die, but your corpse won’t have joint pain or nasal drip, and it will be minty fresh. But I digress.

    Bush doesn’t even care anymore.  He even vetoed a bill for children’s health insurance, saying "go to an emergency room".  He’s obviously never had to go to an emergency room.  By the time a kid gets seen by the pediatrician, he’ll be ready for the adult hospital.

   There’s a new Pod Person book being peddled called "War Crimes:  The Left’s Campaign to Destroy Our Military And Lose The War On Terror".  Too late.  Bush did that already. Sorry.

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