If They're Going To Torture, Then REALLY Torture!

 New Attorney General Mukasey can’t say whether waterboarding is torture, but of course, the Democrats are voting for him anyway.

 They’ve used waterboarding at least three times, all to get false information which led us into the endless war in Iraq.  But if these sadists are going to torture around the world, why don’t they really torture?  Forget physical pain, forget waterboarding—here are my suggestions for much worse ways to drive "terrorist" detainees insane and break their spirits and souls:

1.  Don’t give them any food, just make them suck on Chinese toys.  

2. They play Eminem and Christine Aguilera at 80 decibels night and day to drive the poor Muslims out of their minds.  That’s nothing: how about Barry Manilow at 100 decibels—but ONLY "Copacabana", 24 hours a day, for a week, and maybe "Mandy" a couple of times?

3.  Make them watch "Gilligan’s Island" for a few days, but not all the episodes, just one episode,  over and over and over.

4.  Same with "Baywatch", but ONLY the bikini scenes.

5. Surround them with Blackwater contractors who continually smoke bad, cheap cigars and  clove cigarettes.

6. Make them watch Bush speeches endlessly for a week—they’ll be BEGGING to be waterboarded.

7. They use bright lights 24 hours a day.  Big deal.  How about a big disco ball and "Make Love Tonight" until they bury themselves alive?

8. Don’t feed them for a week, then put them in a mock supermarket, let them pick up all the food they want, then put them in line at the checkout counter behind an 85-year old woman who is trying to write a check—for hours and hours and hours...Then send them to the Gitmo military Burger King and let them order whatever they want—but the kid behind the counter doesn’t speak their language and they never get served.

9.  Put them in a room and make them watch footage of every TV appearance of Ann Coulter—all 400 hours of her.  Oh, they’ll talk.

10.  Give them lottery tickets every day—but they never, ever win.

11. Take the detainees into a room full of 13-year old girls talking to their girlfriends on cellphones,  really loudly, and saying nothing—for a day and half.

12. Don’t just flush the Koran down the toilet—have them woken up every Sunday morning at eight am with Jehovah’s Witnesses on bicycles in white short-sleeve shirts and ties who try to convert them for a few hours. And let them have their Korans—but they’re all in English with the end missing.

13. If they’re ill, make them go to a mock American hospital, fill out forms for four hours, and then tell them they can’t get insurance because they have a pre-existing condition.

14. Let them watch CNN—but only the thousand stories about Paris, Britney, Lindsay, Nicole, and Anna Nicole Smith, for a week.

15. Tell the "terrorists" they can call their family, then give them all cell phones that don’t get a signal, no matter where they go.

16. Lock a group of them in a room, give them each  gun with one bullet and make them watch every Republican debate in a row, and tell them one of them will be our next President—probably Rudy.  In five days, take out the survivors, if any.

17. Don’t let them go to the bathroom for two days and then send them to a mock restaurant, let them go to their bathroom, and then be told it’s "for customers only", but they don’t have any money.

18. Make them watch "24".  Enough said.

19. Tell them all they can go free, but first they have to be judges on the auditions for "American Idol".  They will have to be tied down for this one.

20. On every Muslim holy day, have a Christmas party.

21. Tell them Bush and Cheney are running for a third term.

 If any of you have better suggestions, please leave them in comments and I will update this in a week, with the names of the "winners".

Doug Ferrari (Comedian)  
dougferrari.comhttp://dougferrari.com